she drank and told me things she has never told anyone before
I felt special
but hated myself right away for feeling special
because it’s not about me feeling special,
it’s about her telling somebody these things
- if only we weren’t at a bar patio -
a little girl on the bus yesterday was enthralled with the little red bow in my hair
“mom! look in her hair! it’s pretty.”
I smiled at her and she hid her face with her mother’s arm.
I giggled because shy kids are the cutest and I was reminded of myself as a little girl.
then, unexpectedly, she walks up to me with a Barbie in her hand,
points to it with her other hand and says,
“you look like her.”
it was a black Barbie.
then she ran back to her mom to hide her face with her arm again.
I can’t even.
if you’re gonna hold my hand,
you can’t expect anything else
because all I want is someone to hold hands with and watch
nerdy movies with
like Sherlock Holmes and Iron Man
and maybe Grey’s Anatomy, because I think I am worth sitting through a girly soap-opera
and I don’t even like to hold hands that much,
I like to touch things and pick things up and stuff my hands in my pockets a lot
so you don’t even have to hold my hand that often anyway
I wish there was a better way to say I just cut myself again
a tidier way,
something that makes it sound less morbid and a bit more romantic
like sex on the beach
for the irony of sabotaging a fling of intimacy for myself
sabotaging swimsuit and short-shorts season
I don’t want anyone to touch me
or even look at me
so it’s all in my favour
nails that are painted colourful like clowns
and there’s a red and white polkadot bow in my hair
personally, I think it’s kind of funny
that when people look through a kaleidoscope, all they see is
pretty colours instead of shards of broken glass